Lessons from Jon and Kate

So my wife convinced me to watch a bit of reality TV last night - yes we watched the premier of Jon and Kate + 8 - or as I like to call it "The Train Wreck that is the Modern American Family".

We've watched the show before though it has been well over a year since we've seen it. Admittedly I have liked the show in the past. We decided to watch because my wife had been reading a lot of chatter over the last few weeks in the parenting forums and such and we were curious to see how this family that seemed pretty wholesome only a year ago has presumably begun to fall apart. Boy were we in for a treat. I say that with all sarcasm intended. It was as though I was watching a microscopic view of how American families fall apart.

Lesson #1 - Learn from the Ants - Ants have learned that if someone puts a magnifying glass on their back they best run for their lives or they will get burned - yes the cruelty of a five year old has taught ants the lesson that they do not want their lives under a magnifying glass - because no ant has made it out alive. Why? Because there body cannot take the excessive heat created by magnifying the sun on their small little bodies.

So the ants have learned and yet we have invented Reality TV where people voluntarily put themselves under a magnifying glass in order to make a buck. Well as Jon and Kate and their children are learning - when someone puts a magnifying glass on your life for all the world to see - you will get burned. Your family simply cannot take the public scrutiny and the heat is too much for our fragile souls to take. Certainly there are some families who have seemed to make it out okay but this is not the case for the Gosselins. I'm not sure how many times Jon said during the show that he didn't sign up for this or similar phrases - sorry buddy not only did you sign up for this you put a big sign on your back saying "point magnifying glass here!"

Lesson #1 was the least of the lessons learned by watching the above mentioned train wreck but I figured I'd include it in case any of you were considering trying to sell you family's private life to the highest bidder. $75,000 an episode sure sounds nice until you look at your family five years later and see what all you have lost.

Lesson #2 - Stop "DOING IT FOR THE CHILDREN" - I'm sorry but if Kate said "I'm doing this for the children... I wake up for the children... I'm here for the children... I'm out speaking for the children..." and so on one more time I think I may have had to go to confession.

I don't know when this disordered view of marriage and family entered the picture - but I am so tired of hearing this phrase. The children first, spouse second philosophy of family is destructive at best and a completely disordered view of marriage and family. I would argue that it is this philosophy or ideology that has been one of the leading culprits to the decay of the American family and the main reason that as generations raised under this philosophy continue to reach adulthood more and more of them have decided that marriage and family are not for them.

You do not marry for the children - in the traditional sense - most couples marry before they have children and I'm willing to bet that the reason those couples were so hot for each other in their dating and courting days is not because they thought it would be fun to live in the same house and raise some kids together. They married out of love for one another. Sure, I'm sure children was a part of the deal - something they discussed and agreed upon. But how many people do you know who looked into the love-of-their-life's eyes and said - I'm so in love with you because I know one day it will be great to be strangers living under the same roof and raising children. Marriage is first and foremost about the love of two people towards one another. Children are the fruit of that love. This is how it should always remain.

In the Catholic view of things marriage is a Vocation - a calling that is meant to be primary. Primary meaning of course what it always means - the thing that comes first (of course this would be first after of course the thing that always should come first which is God). I am nothing if I am not first a husband to my wife. My being a father is only as a result of the love I have for my wife. Together we of course should raise our children and take care of them. However, my wife must always be first - I must always seek to love her and care for her and together as the fruit of our love we should then care for our children.

People seem to get offended by this idea of loving our spouse first. But it is scriptural - remember that Jesus said "to love one another as I have loved you." - Shortly after he says "go and bear fruit that remains." (cf. John 15:9-17) He is speaking to the apostles about their vocation. Their vocation was to spread the message of the Gospel and continuing Christ's work on earth. In the vocation of marriage this command still remains - to love one another first. Then to bear fruit that remains.

We must come to understand that our vocation is not to our children - that is only secondary to our vocation to love our spouse. Raising your children is a vocation in itself but again it is the vocation that results from first loving your spouse.

When we order our marriages after "doing it for the children" it will lead to disorder for us and for our children. Our children act only in response to how we act and without seeing husband and wife love one another something is missing.

I don't know much about Jon and Kate Gosselin - only what I see on TV - but what I can tell is that they forgot to love one another first. In the proper order of love Jon and Kate should have stopped when things got rough and focused on one another. Instead they continued this path of "doing it for the children." Towards the end of the show when Jon and Kate are asked what happens from here, both of them responded with something about being in this for the children.

It was sad to see, there on that couch is your spouse dying inside over the hurt that you both have caused. This is the person you fell in love with. The person that at one point in your life you could not live without - you loved this person so much you changed your entire life to become one. Here they are sitting next to you dying inside - and all you can do is respond that you love the children. No thought that perhaps you have to save your spouse - your marriage - your primary purpose.

I pray for Jon and Kate - though they are on TV and have all that money and fame - they are still people who deserve to love and be loved in the proper way. I pray for them and for all couples that they would remember why they got married in the first place. That they would choose to love one another and lead one another to heaven.

I do not propose that I am somehow an expert at this marriage thing. Only three years into it I've made a lot of mistakes and gotten more wrong then right. But I am guided by one purpose to love my wife to heaven.

Theology Lived - How do you model ToB?

"Theology Lived" is a new feature that will be on my blog - on my new site which will be launched soon it will be on it's own page. It will be a weekly question regarding a theological or spiritual topic where I ask you the reader to respond and share your thoughts.

UPDATED 2:47pm 5/14/09

My wife often discuss parenting and how we are going to instill the Gospel values in our children. I have often thought about the problems of my own childhood and adolescence and oh, how I wish I had been raised with an understanding of God's plan for me and for my body. If only Theology of the Body was something my family had known about. I am also asked by parents often how they should teach the principles found in Theology of the Body to their children - young and old.

As a youth minister I have seen firsthand the wounds of a culture that is so confused by sexuality and personhood. I have watched beautiful young men and women's lives be destroyed as they fell prey to the false truth that is offered to them.

I have also watched as lives were transformed by the truth of God's divine plan for men and women. I've seen people be completely renewed as God redeemed them from their sin and they became a new creation in Christ.

I believe that our generation of Catholics - that is the generation I would call the JPII Generation is called to set a new course for future generations. (I use the term Generation loosely - as it is probably about three generations that fall into this category.) Through the work of the Church over the last twenty-five to thirty years we have been called to a new level of holiness.

Our generation still has lots of wounds - many of us were raised by parents who did not understand this truth and despite their best efforts they failed to protect us from the dangers of this destructive culture. However, John Paul II was a voice of reason in this chaos and for those of us who have heard the message of God's plan for our lives and who are trying to to answer that call - striving for holiness, being faithful to our vocation, battling sin, allowing ourselves to be transformed by the renewal of our minds - it is now up to us to raise a new generation of Catholics who have been redeemed by the truth of God's divine plan for us.

So how do we teach or model Theology of the Body for our children? A few people have asked me if there are any resources out there that parents can use to teach their children. As of yet I do not know of any. (UPDATE: A friend emailed me to say that http://wholelifecurriculum.com has a curriculum that incorporates ToB in age-appropriate lessons for K-8. - check it out) I do believe however that Theology of the Body holds within it many profound truths that need to be taught to our children from a young age. I am not proposing that you teach your five year old about sex. - In fact I'm not proposing that you teach them about sex at any certain age - that is up to you and ultimately up to when your kid begins asking questions. Theology of the Body is about much more than sexuality. It is an understanding of who we are as people and who God calls us to be as redeemed people. If we understand God's plan for us and who we are meant to be and if we are raised in a way in which we live this truth - then all the questions about our sexuality will fall in line and in many ways answer themselves.

So I pose this question to you the readers. I will pose the question in a couple different ways and you can choose to answer as you like - but please do leave your comments. I will publish the comments in a follow up post.

- Should the principles of Theology of the Body be taught in the home?
- How should we instill the values of the Theology of the Body in our children?
- What principles of Theology of the Body should we teach and at what age?
- How do/have you instilled these values in your children?

Christopher West on Nightline - The FULL Story

I have compiled here the full story of Christopher West's Nightline Appearance. In the links below you will find everything you need to get a complete picture of West's appearance - and what others are saying. Then you can feel free to comment - but take the time to get the full story before making assumptions as some people have already done.

My Humble Opinion -
It seems there are differing opinions regarding Christopher West's appearance on ABC's Nightline - sharing about Theology of the Body. I wrote about it on Friday "ToB on Nightline" and shared my thoughts. As I stated some will complain that West is doing an injustice to ToB and somehow causing harm. Well the war of words has begun as a few "theologians" have come out to share their issues with West and his interpretation of JPII's ToB.

In the ABC interview West shares an overview of what this Theology of the Body is and shares a few insights. Apparently the interview that West did lasted two hours and ABC was given four hours of tape of his talks - all to make a seven-minute interview. Obviously something will get lost in that time frame.

Some have said West should not have done the interview - because he should have known that the material would be distorted and for that reason should have declined. I beg to differ greatly. How can you decline an opportunity to share this profound message with the world? Did Jesus not call us to teach and to preach to reach out? Has not the Church called us to reach out through the media to offer truth to this hurting world? Are we to recoil into our "hermitage" because of fear that our message will be misinterpreted or sensationalized? Absolutely not! Jesus did not recoil from speaking the truth even to those who would disagree with him or even who were seeking to trap him in.

I applaud West for first taking the time to discern how to break open ToB for the everyday man and woman to be able to enter in. If you've ever been to any of his presentations or watched/listened to his talks you would know that he does not stay in modern culture but merely uses the fallen nature that is expressed through modern culture to help us see the truth's presented in Theology of the Body. He may use the song "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" as an intro point into expressing man's desire for communion - but his teaching is not based in the song. I want to see one other theologian who is getting people intrigued by Theology of the Body as West is doing. His work is heroic. His appearance on ABC was heroic as well. He knew he would be misunderstood but he also knew that if even a few people decided to go deeper in the message it would be worth it. Sad that he is now being attacked by folks on the same team.

Todd Lemieux has a great post regarding West's work which you can find by clicking here.

I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts in the comments section - whether you agree or disagree with me. But please be sure you check out the links below to get the full story and understand the context.
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If you have not watched the ABC Interview you can view it here


- Because West knew that things would be misconstrued he also published some clarifications on his website which you can find here: West Clarifies Misconceptions in ABC Interview

- In order to understand West's references to Hugh Hefner you have to watch this video - it is quite profound and makes much more sense if you hear the context.


- West was interviewed by Catholic News Agency and answers some of the misconceptions from the article. You should read "ABC Interview 'Sensationalized' Theology of the Body"

- Catholic News Agency also printed a story with Dr. Alice von Hildebrand - Theologian - who says "Christopher West’s ideas on sexuality ignore ‘tremendous dangers'"

For more information and understanding of the Theology of the Body you can find great resources here:
http://tob.catholicexchange.com/
http://tobinstitute.org/default.asp